Dear Shaker Pint
We've known
each other a long time; in fact, we go way back. You and I have had many a good time together
in many a fun place. You’ve helped me get through some rough times and also
been part of celebrating a lot of my personal victories. You’ve never judged
me. You’ve never complained when I would rant and rave. You’ve been there time and time again. The thing is, I can never get back together
with you over craft beer like we used to.
I know that’s what you want but I’ve moved on. Please, let me explain.
You know
that I’ve been always been into craft beer; I’ve never hidden that from you.
I’ve had a passion for it that spans decades.
My tastes have evolved and I find myself resenting you because you’re
trying to showcase craft beer, and it's just not working out.
It’s not
your fault. You were never made for the complexity and depth that is craft beer,
but now I see you everywhere, letting
everyone get their hands all over you and it makes me uncomfortable. Sure, it
was fun at first because I figured that you were just being flirty because you
enjoyed all the popularity that bars and restaurants bestowed upon you. The
thing is, you were never designed for that. There’s a reason you’re called a
shaker and as your friend, I think you’ve lost your way and I am partly to
blame.
I remember
seeing you behind the bar that day. You were clear and bright as day and
impeccably flawless in your brilliance. Your friend the metal mixing glass and
you were working up a storm and making amazing martinis with class and poise. I
was hooked. I had to have one. I
remember having a “Delilah” and will never forget how your shaking sound
resonated across the bar like music. I
didn’t fall in love then, but I did have a serious case of “like”. As you know, it wasn’t until years later that
you ended up in my home. We made many
martinis, some good, some not so good; but it was fun nonetheless, right? You certainly took the edge off during many a
night. ;-)
When you started serving craft beer, I thought “Sure, I’ll try it.” We had one. Then over time we had more until we thought that was the norm. We got
caught up in that “everyone else is doing it” thing. Maybe we just wanted to be accepted, and
should’ve stopped right then. I
should’ve respected your true calling, and I am so sorry. I’m sorry for not giving you the respect you
deserve.
Back then
it was great, but now my tastes have changed…and I know yours have too. As you
know we broke up and it was ugly. I
shouldn’t have been so blunt by saying you don’t provide good head and you go
flat too quick. I’m sure there were nicer ways to say that, and I’m sorry.
Let’s be brutally honest though, you don’t.
And that’s ok, because it’s not your thing. I can respect that.
I’ve watched you from afar, and seen how you
fell from grace. Now I see you being
chilled, with ice coating every inch of you, when you serve beer. I confess, every time I see that, I sigh and
shake my head. You deserve so much
better. It’s as if you need to dress
yourself up to hide your true self. It seems like you’re ashamed of your true
calling.
 |
| Shaker pint - looking scratched with no "make-up" |
What makes
things worse is that now I see you serving everything to everyone: soda, iced
tea, water and even milk. And you doll
it up with a straw. I’m half expecting you to start putting on the “duck face”
to get attention. When is it going to
stop? I stopped making martinis because it just wasn’t the same knowing that
you’re used for pretty much everything else now. You’ve become a sellout. I know that’s harsh,
but you need to hear it. It's not meant to hurt your feelings; it's the truth.
Since your new found popularity, you’ve traveled all across North America
putting every kind of label all over you.
I know, I know, who wouldn’t jump at the opportunity for such notoriety?
I’ve seen you sport everything from Alaskan Brewing to even Starbucks.
Starbucks!
Now, we
have those awkward silences when the waitress unknowingly brings you over to my
table and you hold craft beer. Sure, we
have the beer together, but it’s always feels wrong. I just can’t do it anymore. Especially with you all dolled up and fake
looking. I feel so sorry for you.
I’ve moved
on. You could say I’m playing the field
because I see the tulip, Nonick, and stange on occasions. Yes, you’ve heard
right, even the chunky Maskrug, but sue me, I like a lot of heft in my
hand. They don’t judge and they’re
honestly better suited to my needs. Sure you could label me and say that I’m
just a player, but I’m not a single glass kind of guy for my craft beer. I need someone who was actually designed to
properly showcase the aroma and appearance of my beer. Keep in mind that you
don’t hear the wine aficionados getting a bunch of flack for using different
glassware. That’s the life I want to
live. I’m willing to accept the ridicule and stigmas and that it goes against
what is popular…and I’m okay with that. I can live with it.
Look, you
are great the way you are and you don’t need be something you’re not in order
to prove yourself. Now you are everywhere. There are so many copies of you that
you’ve lost your sense of self, even ones that dubious proprietors use that are
14 ounces in order instead of 16 oz in order to dupe customers out of their
hard earned cash.
I know that
me avoiding you is probably not the most mature approach here, but it’s what I
need to do and I wanted you to hear it from me.
We can still be friends, but not when it comes to craft beer. I’m willing to go out on a limb here and say
that maybe the metal mixer cup would be interested in spending more time with
you. You two have a lot in common
considering he gets used for milkshakes.
The two of you are an amazing pair with true synergy. He seems like the
strong silent type that will always wait for you.
 |
| Metal Mixer and Shaker - in happier times. |
I wrote
earlier that I don’t drink martinis anymore.
Truthfully, it’s because I gravitate to craft beer. One day, I’d like to have a martini. I can
picture myself looking up in a bar and seeing you in your glory, that familiar
rhythmic sound echoing in the air, as you and metal mixer work hand in hand to
create that fine cocktail. Or maybe we can meet in the middle and catch up over
a beer cocktail from time to time. I would like that.
So please,
remember your roots and keep to your strengths.
Sincerely,
A great post on the subject - http://hoplogblog.blogspot.ca/2013/02/shaker-pint-glasses.html
Another blog that focuses on glassware in BC - http://adrianmarariu.tumblr.com/post/15428247549/beer-glassware-in-vancouver-with-don-farion
Proofreading thanks go to Garret Haynes. Check out his place on the web at http://garrethaynes.blogspot.ca
Thanks to my Comm Prof for reading this and encouraging me to post.
DISCLAIMER: This is my version of satire. I'm sure some of you may be bent out of shape by what you just read and you're entitled. I ask that if you comment then please keep to the constructive side of care. Why? Because I'll take what you say more seriously. Thank you for reading.
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